Relapse
by LottiePoynterr
Summary: Sequel to Messed Up.. If you haven't read that, I recommend reading it first. Not completely necessary but it'd make this story a whole lot clearer. Warning: Could be triggering, contains eating disordered behaviour and self harm. Hope you enjoy this, please review :) (Oh.. and I don't own McFly.. If I did.. I'd have a life) :P X
1. Chapter 1

**Dougie's POV:**

We ran off stage at the end of our show in Manchester. It had been one of the best shows we'd ever had! None of us had gotten anything wrong and all the audience were joining in loads. We ran off stage, all on a massive high, and sprinted to our dressing room.

'Wow! That was awesome!' I screeched when we got in, smiling widely at all of the boys. They grinned back at me and pulled me into a tight hug.

'Yeah it was! Best show we've ever played, I'd say!' Danny squealed after me.

'We're all so proud of you Dougs!' Harry grinned happily at me, pulling me into a kiss. Once we had pulled apart, I smiled up at Danny and Tom, pulling them into a hug again. It had been a year since I'd gotten out of hospital following my eating disorder and I had still managed not to relapse. There were times when I felt it coming on but Harry was really helpful and he did subtle little things to make it easier for me. Sometimes, he'd just make sure that he held my hand whenever we were eating and at other times he would give me a tiny bit less food than everybody else so that I'd be able to cope a bit more. Once we had all showered after the show, we jumped back onto our tour bus and Tom made dinner.

'OW!OW!OW!' he shrieked, dropping the bowl of food straight onto the floor, it smashing everywhere.

'Tom! What?! What is it?' Danny asked worriedly.

'I've burnt my hand really bad. Ow! It stings!' he mumbled sadly, a few tears running down his face.

'It's okay Tom. Come on, run it under the water and then I'll bandage it for you.' Danny said soothingly, wiping away Tom's tears and walking him over to the sink. Harry cleaned it up and I put the rubbish into the bin.

'So what should we have for dinner now then?'

'I guess we'll have to drop off at that Domino's we passed on the way here.' Danny sighed, holding Tom's hand under a running tap.

'Yeah. I'll tell the driver.' Harry said running off to the front of the bus, arriving back a few minutes later and saying that it was okay. We sat in the lounge area of the bus as Tom had his hand bandaged by Danny and then we all just sat around watching TV for a little while, before finally arriving at Domino's. We all hopped off the bus and ran inside, standing by the counter and deciding what to order.

'Erm.. Should we just get 3 large pepperonis and a garlic bread?' Harry asked us all.

'Yeah.'

'Sounds awesome, yeah!'

'Yes please.' I said to Harry politely, taking his hand in my own and standing beside him. He ordered the food and we went and sat on a table surrounded by pizza boxes. Just as we were about to start, our manager Fletch spoke up.

'Wait! I think this end-of-tour occasion deserves a picture memory!' he grinned at us, pulling out his camera. I stayed sat where I was and the rest of the boys stood up and gathered around me. We all smiled into the camera before everybody else got back into their places and we began eating. Once we had finished, we thanked the people in the restaurant and left. On the bus, we decided to look at the picture from earlier. Fletch passed us the camera and we sat on the sofa together.

'Oh my gosh! Worst picture ever! Look, Harry's got bingo wings!' Tom giggled.

'Yeah well at least you can actually see some muscle underneath them unlike scrawny little Daniel here.' Harry laughed in reply, poking Danny in the bicep.

'Shut up! Eh Harry, at least we don't have little podgy bellies like Tom and Doug.' He joked. Everybody laughed along with him and Harry high fived him. I acted happy and laughed along with them for a little while longer before getting up and walking to the bathroom.

I looked into the mirror.

_'At least we don't have podgy bellies like Doug...'_

I was fat. I stared into the mirror and saw the belly that Dan was on about. He was right, I _was_ fat. I looked down to the toilet._  
_

_'Should I do this?'_ I thought to myself.

_'Yeah. I need it. Harry will love me more and I won't let the others down. Just act like the man you want to be and get on with it!'_ I thought again, kneeling in front of the toilet and leaning over it, preparing myself.

'I have to do this.' I mumbled, sticking my fingers down my throat and feeling all of the pain rushing back into my body once again.

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**Okay so that was really short- sorry :) I decided just not to do another chapter of Messed Up as it could all be fitted into the opening chapter of this story anyway. I absolutely loved reading all of the reviews for Messed Up so please please keep them coming for this one! Thank you so much :) x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Dougie's POV:**

The moment I stood up from making myself sick, I instantly fell back to the ground. I hadn't done that in ages, I felt so disappointed in myself. All I could do was curl up on the floor and cry. I sat there for ages, just crying to myself, before I heard Harry come and knock on the door.

'Dougs? Dougie baby are you okay?' He asked gently through the door.

'H-H-Ha-H-Ha-Ha-Harr-Harry.' I cried to him.

'What is it Dougs? What's the matter? Open the door for me please Dougs.' he said softly. I shuffled over to the door slowly and opened it. Harry entered cautiously and knelt beside me when he saw me.

'Dougs? Dougie what's up? What's happened?' he asked worriedly, rubbing my back.

'I-I-I-I d-di-di-di-d-di.. I-I-I s-s-s-so-so-so-s...' I muttered, not being able to form my words properly through floods of endless tears. Instead, I pointed to the toilet, which was still filled with vomit, and continued to cry. Harry looked over to it for a second before quickly looking back at me.

'Dougie? Dougie, I need you to calm down, did you make yourself sick again?' he asked soothingly, continuing to rub my back. I nodded slowly and he wrapped his arms tightly around me, I leant into the hug and cried into his shoulder.

'It's okay Dougie, you're alright, just calm down for me baby.' he soothed, holding me close and waiting until I had calmed down before he spoke to me again.

'Why Dougs? I'm not angry, I just want to know why.'

'I-I-I j-ju-j-just f-felt s-so-so f-fa-f-fat...' I sobbed to him, still soaking his t-shirt in tears as he held me. Loud sobs racked my body as I cried. Once I had calmed down, properly this time, Harry spoke up again.

'Listen to me Dougs, you're not fat in any way, shape or form. I love

you for exactly who you are now and so does everybody else. Please don't do this again. You surely remember how much pain you were in last time. Just get these ideas out of your head and we can get through this together. I promise. I love you so much baby.' Harry said to me comfortingly. I nodded and he cupped my face in his hands, wiping away my tears and kissing my lips gently. Once we had pulled apart, he kept my face in his hands and looked directly into my eyes, speaking quietly to me.

'You're beautiful, don't you ever forget that.' he whispered, still looking directly into my eyes before pulling me slowly up from the ground. He flushed the toilet once we were stood up and then he put one arm around my back and held my hand in his free one.

'Come on Dougs. Lets get this over with, we'll just tell them that it happened but that we've sorted it out and that they don't need to worry and then we'll go to bed, okay?' he spoke quietly.

'O-O-Okay-ay.' I muttered back before he started walking me down the corridor of the bus, back to where we were sitting earlier. Tom and Dan looked up at me before exchanging worried glances and sitting next to Harry, as I was on his knee.

'Dougs what's the matter?' Danny asked sadly, just by the tone of his voice I could tell that he was upset.

'I-I-I-I...' I stuttered, instantly panicking again.

'Do you want me to say it Dougs?' Harry asked quickly, realising that the words weren't coming from my mouth. I nodded graciously and so he wrapped his arms around me and began speaking.

'Dougie has just.. Erm.. He's just made himself sick again..' Harry mumbled. I looked up and saw the faces of the other two drop.

'Oh Dougs.. Why?' Danny replied quietly.

'He said he just felt really fat. But it's okay now, we've sorted it out and he's fine again now, aren't you Dougs?'

'Y-Yeah... I'm sorry if I let you down.. The urges just kind of took over.' I mumbled to them.

'Its okay Dougs. We understand that it can get hard some times and we're not angry. You haven't let a single person down.' Tom said comfortingly, grabbing one of my small hands and squeezing it tightly. I tried to believe his words but I couldn't. He was wrong. I had let somebody down.. I'd let myself down.

'Thanks guys. I'm going to go to bed now. I'll see you tomorrow, love you. Harry?' I said in a hurry, standing up from the chair.

'Yeah Dougs?'

'Please can you come and tuck me in?' I said timidly, realising how pathetic and babyish that sentence sounded.

'Of course Dougs. Come on, lets get you in bed.' He smiled at me, also standing up and walking me through to my bedroom. I got into my pyjamas and lay in bed. Harry sat on the edge of my bed and pulled the quilts up over my body, tucking them in around the edges.

'Goodnight beautiful. Sweet dreams.' he whispered in my ear, kissing my forehead softly before leaving the room and allowing me to get some well needed sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Dougie's POV:**

When we got back the next day, I told the guys I was tired and ran straight up to my bedroom, locking myself in there. I paced around for a while, practically pulling my hair from my head. The urges were back. I had just eaten breakfast, McDonalds breakfast, the unhealthiest breakfast meal known to man, and I could feel it swirling around in my stomach. My body screamed at me to get it out, just like I used to do, but I couldn't. I couldn't let Harry down! I instead walked around and around my room before I suddenly thought of something to get my stress away. I'd heard about it working in the past and so I did it. I punched something. I punched my bed first, followed my the small chair I had, followed by the desk, which I cleared of its contents with one sweep of my arm before I snapped and flipped it. I saw it fall apart in the corner of my room and so I walked round, carrying on with my rampage, ripping up posters and breaking furnature until not a single thing was left intact in my bedroom. Why hadn't it worked? I felt more sick than I had before I'd smashed up everything I owned. I unlocked my door and sprinted to the bathroom. There was no thinking about it this time, it had to be done. I quickly knelt beside the toilet and rammed my fingers down my throat. I threw up all of my breakfast into the toilet before falling back on the floor, feeling weak and insecure. I pulled myself up from the floor and stood looking in the mirror.

'One more thing...' I said to myself before violently throwing my fist against the mirror, smashing it into millions of tiny pieces. Two of them flew and cut my face whilst another got wedged into may hand, spurting blood everywhere. I panicked. I'd always hated blood. I sprinted to my bedroom, not bothering to shut either my bedroom or the bathroom door, and leaving a trail of blood on the cream carpet of the corridor. When I arrived in my bedroom, I looked down at my hand again. I felt dizzy for a second before everything went black and I fell to the floor in a bleeding, insecure, unloveable mess.

* * *

**Harry's POV:**

When we got back, Dougie said a quick 'I love you' to me before going to his bedroom, complaining of tiredness. We all just accepted it and sat down in the living room, watching a film with all of our surround sound speakers on. We got bored halfway through and sat just talking, before suddenly, we heard a loud smash, like a window or mirror had just been broken. We stood up and walked cautiously up the stairs. The bathroom was the first door next to the stairs and so we walked in. We stopped upon seeing the sight. The mirror had been smashed into thousands of tiny pieces and there was a large pile of blood on the floor. We looked around further and saw the toilet filled with vomit.

'Shit! Dougs!' I said quickly, running back to the door. It was then that I saw it. The trail of blood between the bathroom and my boyfriends room. I quickly ran towards Dougie's room and in through the door. I froze and looked around at the room. Everything was in pieces, all of his pictures and posters had been ripped or smashed and all of his furniture was flipped over or had pieces broken off with it. I quickly pulled myself from my thoughts and knelt beside Dougie who had passed out on the floor. I put him into a comfortable position on his bed and inspected his injuries. He had a piece of glass stuck in his hand and two in his face. I sent Danny and Tom to get some tweezers, some water and a first aid kit. They did as I asked and returned a few minutes later with everything that I needed. I removed the glass from Dougie's face and hands with the tweezers before cleaning the wounds on his face and placing small plasters on them. I then cleaned up his hand and pulled the cut back together with steristrips before wrapping it in a bandage. Once I was sure that he wasn't hurt anywhere else, I lay down beside him and took him in my arms, keeping him safe from anymore danger that was coming his way.

'I love you beautiful. And I'll never stop loving you. It's just time for you to love yourself.' I whispered to him, planting a small, soft kiss on his lips as a single, lone tear ran off my cheek and down onto his. I wiped it away before resting my head beside him and slowly falling asleep, ready to be the comfort he'd need when he woke up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Dougie's POV:**

I woke up, feeling a pair of strong arms wrapped around my waist.

'Hey beautiful.' I heard Harry's gentle voice say to me, as he moved a lone strand of hair from in my face.

'What happened? I can't remember anything apart from getting home.. What's happened to my bedroom?' I asked confused, not being able to remember a second of how I'd ended up in bed with my boyfriend.

'You.. Erm.. You must have wrecked your room while me and the guys were downstairs and then you... You made yourself sick again and then you must have punched the mirror and some of it cut your hand and your face and so I cleaned you up and put you in bed.' He murmured to me, obviously not wanting to upset me. I panicked as I remembered what I'd done, I sat up and tried to sort out my now ragged breathing as warm tears flowed down my face.

'Dougie? Dougie baby please try to calm down. You're alright now and we're going to help you.' Harry said soothingly, stroking my back.

'N-No.. Th-There's s-something wrong w-with me.. Oh god I'm going to d-die aren't I? I'm going to end up like I was before!' I said in a panic, not believing that I had been such an idiot and let this whole thing start again. My hands began to shake and my chest locked up. I felt the blood rush out of my face and I suddenly felt very ill. A continuous stream of tears was flowing down my face and I couldn't breathe properly no matter how hard I tried.

'Dougie? Dougie? Dougie please listen to me... You don't have to work yourself up, we're here for you every step of the way and we won't let you die. I've told you this all before love! Dougie I love you more than anybody else in the world! Do you really think I'd let that happen again?' Harry said to me quickly. I thought about what he had said. Would he? Would he let me scoop that low again? Would he hate me for getting myself into this whole mess again and would he hate me for dragging him down with me? I shook my head at him but I still couldn't calm down, my breathing was getting worse and I just couldn't cope with the idea of letting my boyfriend down and having to end up in hospital again.

'TOM? DAN? COME UP HERE AND BRING A PAPER BAG FROM THE FIRST AID KIT! QUICKLY!' Harry shouted suddenly. I heard sudden fast footsteps running up the stairs and a minute later Danny came running in with a small paper bag, passing it to Harry.

'Harry? Tom's gone out...What's happening?' He asked worriedly.

'He's having a panic attack.' Harry replied quickly, opening up the bag and holding it up over my nose and mouth. I attempted to push him off but he kept his grip firm.

'It's okay Dougie. Please, believe me, just breathe into it and it'll make it easier.' He said to me comfortingly, but almost begging me to comply. I nodded and took deeper and deeper breaths into the bag, eventually managing to get my breathing pretty much back to normal again.

'Are you okay Dougie? Do you feel ill?' Harry asked in a hurry when I pushed the bag away. Come to think of it, I did feel sick, and so I nodded weakly, feeling a little light-headed.

'Come here then Dougs.' Harry said quietly, pulling me up from the bed and into the bathroom, sitting me on the edge of the bath. I sat for a few minutes, concentrating on my breathing, and after a little while, the sick feeling went away.

'I think I'm okay now.. I don't feel sick anymore.. Just tired and a little dizzy.' I said to Harry.

'Okay, well lets get you in bed yeah honey?' Harry replied to me in a loving voice. I nodded and he picked me up, bridal style, and walked us through to his bedroom.

'Have a nice sleep darling.. I'll be here when you wake up love, I promise.' He said to me with a small smile as he lay beside me on the bed. I smiled slightly in reply and nuzzled into his shoulder, glad that the urges had left my body, even if it was only for a little while.


	5. Chapter 5

Okay so I'm so so sorry! I've not updated on any of my stories in LIKD a million years! I've just got quite a lot of family and a school issues going on and stress is getting to me a bit which is bringing up other issues. So it's getting hard to update x I assure you that I do have a lot of new stories and chapters of old stories to put up but I don't want to start any new stories until I've finished all of my current ones x Thank you so much for all of your support throughout my writing and I hope you understand why I've been a bit rubbish lately x I love you all and I hope you enjoy this x

* * *

**Dougie's POV:**

It had been two weeks since my panic attack and, although it'd been hard, I'd managed not to relapse again. Harry, Danny and Tom had all been really helpful and they'd let me eat slightly smaller portions that normal. I was back on full sized meals now and all of the things that had happened were in the past. I woke up in Harry's strong arms, after having had a nightmare the previous night and going to sleep in his room.

'Hey baby. You feeling better now?' He asked, noticing that I was awake.

'Yeah.. It was just a nightmare.. It happens and it's nothing to worry about.' I told him sincerely, to which he smiled and gave me a gentle kiss.

'Wanna get breakfast?' He asked me once we'd broken apart.

'Yeah. Come on bird boy!' I said to him, grabbing his hand.

'Bird boy?! Where did that come from?!' He asked me with a laugh, standing up from the bed.

'I dunno... Maybe you should ask your giant beak!' I giggled, flicking his nose when I said 'beak'. He did a jokey shocked face before starting to tickle me. I broke down in laughter before I ran off and he started chasing me around the house. It was so fun, before suddenly, I slipped and whacked my head full force on the corner of the kitchen table before falling flat on my back.

'Dougie? Dougie baby are you alright?' Harry asked worriedly, running over to me and gently stroking my hair out of my face. I shook my head weakly in reply, letting my tears run freely down my face. Harry carefully lifted me up in his arms and carried me through to the lounge, laying me on the sofa.

'Where does your head hurt love?' He asked me quietly. I pointed to where I'd hit it and he inspected it before looking back straight into my watery eyes.

'Theres just a bit of a bump there, it'll get better soon I promise.' He assured me, placing a soft kiss on my forehead.

'Would you like to watch something?' He asked, sitting down with me on the sofa and putting my head in his lap. I nodded and so he picked up the remote before flicking through the channels, seeing one about us and putting it on. I got tired after just 5 minutes and so I closed my eyes and wriggled further into Harry's lap before allowing myself to fall asleep. I woke up only about half an hour later but kept my eyes firmly shut.

'Having always been the youngest and weakest member of the band, it was hard for little Dougie to deal with the loss of his father after a mere 8 days in the band. We've been told by an anonymous source that Dougie suffered greatly from his fathers absence and that he turned to binge eating and drinking, resulting in him putting on weight, which is still noticeable to this day.' I heard the woman on the TV say. I wanted to cry, but Harry didn't know I was awake yet and I didn't want him knowing that I'd heard that being said about me.

'Stupid fucking people! They don't know the half of what Dougs has been through! I'm getting Fletch to tell them to send out an apology, because that is fucking out of order! Spitting lies out like that about our Dougs! Fucking disgraceful!' I heard Tom say angrily before storming out of the room.

'Don't worry Dougie, you're beautiful. You always have been and you always will be, forever. I know you can't hear me, but I just like to make sure you feel good, because I can't have my baby feeling bad about his gorgeous self.' Harry whispered to me before pulling me further onto his knee. I chose that moment to slowly flicker my eyes open.

'Hey baby.. Sorry, did I wake you?' Harry asked softly.

'No.. It's fine.. I think I'm going to go to bed now..'I replied to him before kissing him on the lips and walking upstairs. When I got into my bedroom, I picked up the bin from under my desk and rammed my fingers deep into my throat. I was sick a fair few times before I hid the bin under my bed and covered it with a cardboard box, not wanting any of the guys to find out about my disgusting little secret. After around half an hour, I couldn't take the guilt of it anymore, I knew that Harry would find out about it eventually and so I came up with a plan. I picked up the bin and emptied the contents out onto the floor in the hall before hiding the container back in my room. I then forced myself to cry, so hysterical tears were rolling down my face within minutes. After that I stumbled down the stairs and into the lounge.

'H-Harry...' I sobbed once I got in the view of the others.

'Dougie baby, what's the matter?' He asked quickly, standing up and taking me in his arms in a warm hug.

'I-I'm so sorry..' I stuttered in reply.

'What for baby?'

'I-I felt sick so I tried to run to the bathroom but I didn't make it and I've been sick on the carpet..' I cried into his chest, only causing him to hug me tighter.

'Oh that's okay baby, it was an accident it's alright, there's no need to cry. Come on, should we get your teeth brushed and you can have another little sleep before Fletch comes round this afternoon?' He asked softly and so I nodded against his chest and he picked me up and carried me upstairs. He ignored the pool of vomit in the corridor and continued on to the bathroom, sitting me on the toilet lid once we got there. He then took my toothbrush and put some of my favourite toothpaste on it before coming over to me.

'Come on, lets see those beautiful teeth!' He grinned at me, and so I put on a huge, false smile, revealing all of my teeth to him. He cleaned them gently and when he'd finished, he carried me into my bedroom and laid me in my bed.

'Are you feeling better now Dougs?' He asked me, concern lacing his voice.

'Yeah... But why was I sick?' I asked innocently, making myself teary-eyed again.

'Please don't cry baby, it's probably just very mild concussion because you hit your head. You'll get better now it's out, just have a little sleep and you'll be completely fine by the time you wake up. Oh and when you wake up, Fletch will probably already be here. Have a nice sleep beautiful.' He said kindly to me before giving me a soft, gentle kiss and leaving the room. I sunk down into my pillows and allowed myself to go to sleep, happy with the fact that there'd be no more secrets, and that I could slowly start to get better again.


End file.
